Building Confident Children

Building confident children can be a tricky thing! How do you help your children be confident, but not conceited? Building confidence but not arrogance, is an important distinction. If you want strong, kind, Christ-loving children who don’t bully and who aren’t bullied by others, check out these four ways. They will help you with building confident children, while teaching them be respectful of others.

#1 . Model Confidence

This, like every other skill we teach as parents, starts with YOU! Since you can only give from what you have, you need to first do a self-assessment: Do you model confidence by attacking new challenges with the belief that you can do it? If you are Christ-Follower, you CAN do it because it is He who lives in you is greater than he who lives in the world AND He gives you strength to do all things (1 John 4:4, Philippians 4:13). This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or not make mistakes! There was only One to walk this earth who was perfect and it’s not you or me.

It is actually HELPFUL for you – and for your children – if you acknowledge when you feel nervous about an upcoming task or event. This way you can further model for them how that fear didn’t STOP you from proceeding! It may sound something like this:

  • It may sound something like this:
    • You: “I feel nervous about starting my new job tomorrow.”
    • Your Child: “Why Mommy?”
    • You: “Maybe I am not sure if I will like it? Or what if people don’t like me? But I DO know that God loves me no matter what I do or don’t do. So I can trust Him to keep me safe.”
    • Your Child: “Can I trust God like that, too?”
    • You: “Absolutely! The Bible tells us that He will give you the strength to do hard things for our good and His glory. You can trust that.”

#2. Embrace Mistakes to Build Confidence

You may have heard coaches say before games, “We either win or we learn” (My boys’ soccer and Jiujitsu coaches always said that).

This supports the idea of learning from mistakes. As parents, you have the daily opportunity to see mistakes and conflicts as a chance to teach new, needed skills! By YOU having this outlook, your children have a greater chance of seeing things this way as well.

So rather than seeing something as BAD or having to be STOPPED, how about looking at it as something from which we can LEARN and GROW?

Equally as important is helping your children understand that “perfection” this side of Heaven is unrealistic. You need to help your kids see that what is portrayed in the media is unrealistic to real life. The idea that others are always happy, having fun, and perfectly dressed is a destructive fantasy. You can remind yourself and your children that being less than perfect is human and totally okay.

#3 Encourage New Things to Build Confident Children

You can focus your time and energy on things in which your children already excel. Sport – Subject – Hobby. Or you can be willing to expand their (and your?) horizon a bit. Trying new things and learning new skills can help your children feel capable and confident in handling whatever comes their way.

And we MUST know that, while we want to protect our children from failure, trial and error is how we all learn!

When kids fall short of a goal, it helps them find out it is not the end of the world. Failing can also motivate them to try harder, which is an important skill to have as adults as well.

#4 Know That “Hurt People Hurt People”

Read that again. It’s worth thinking about and teaching to your children to help them have empathy for the “mean girl” in their life. We always have a choice when people treat us poorly. We can think “REALLY? That big jerk!” OR we can think, “They must be having a hard time.”

You know the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them to unto you (Matthew 7:12). But do you recognize that the world slyly teaches, “Do unto others as they have done to you.” In the moment of retaliation, you may feel good that they got what they deserved, but that is no way to live. Where would it end? Instead, be kind. Forgive.

Know that you – and the one who is hurting you – were made in God’s image** Pray for them. And pray to be able to speak with the boldness and truth and love of Jesus Christ.

I pray these suggestions have been helpful for you. If you use any of these ways to build confidence in your children – or have any to add – let me know!

**If someone is abusing you physically, emotionally, sexually, or otherwise, you first need to GET AWAY. Forgiveness is a process that is going to be ultimately healing for you. BUT “forgiveness” does NOT mean you STAY in a continually, habitually abusive situation. Please, reach out for help!

Some books that have helped along the way include:

Boundaries for Your Soul: How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies

Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships

The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection

Kate Fraiser is a Parent Coach with Connect Point Moms helping you create stronger relational connections with the children in your life. This starts with being aware of your own stuff so you can BE PRESENT with your children in the moment you’re in, and then knowing and using the best ways to communicate with them. For quick and helpful parenting videos, find her on InstagramYouTubeTikTokor Facebook.

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